The $5.37 meal
Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:00 pm
"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell
said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of
change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A
mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what
was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old?
Me? I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the
counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in
front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into
the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba,
I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of
the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving
this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned,
and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one
final time. There Elmo stood, draped in
youth and black nail polish. All I could think
was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food
and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to
ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for
Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and
suddenly a young lad came up and tugged
on my jeans to get my attention. He was
holding up a drink and a bag. His
mother explained, "I think you left
this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from
the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
He offered these kind words, "It's
OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing
85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk
kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the
officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the
hall. I handed her a bag of cold food
and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly
sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs
with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way
home.
said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of
change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A
mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what
was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old?
Me? I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the
counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in
front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into
the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba,
I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of
the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving
this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned,
and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one
final time. There Elmo stood, draped in
youth and black nail polish. All I could think
was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food
and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to
ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for
Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and
suddenly a young lad came up and tugged
on my jeans to get my attention. He was
holding up a drink and a bag. His
mother explained, "I think you left
this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from
the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
He offered these kind words, "It's
OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing
85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk
kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the
officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the
hall. I handed her a bag of cold food
and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly
sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs
with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way
home.
